I am such a wimp!

There are so many things that I want to do but I can't seem to do anything about it. I have spent so many years depressed that I have forgotten how to "take chances, get messy, and make mistakes" (Ms. Frizzle -- The Magic Schoolbus). I was never particularly brave before my depression hit, but now it is worse.

I honestly feel like I am entering a midlife crisis. I'm only 38, but I feel like I gotten old. I know that I'm not, but I don't feel like a kid anymore. I married and had my first child way too young. He will be graduating from high school in a few months. Maybe that's it. We also have a surprise 6 month old. Maybe that's it. Or, maybe I'm just a wimp.

I am so envious of people who are able to go after what they want, even when they're scared. I am that coward who dies a thousands deaths and I don't know how to be otherwise. My son (the senior) loves acting. He has been in every school play and musical he has been able to fit in his schedule (all but 2). He can carry a tune and has a nice singing voice, but is not a spectacular singer; yet he will get up in front of a group of people -- including many PHENOMENAL singers -- and sing to audition for the musicals. He hopes to get a principle part each time, but doesn't because there are many kids who sing much better than he does. No matter what part he gets, he is always thrilled.

This year they are doing Suessical. He made callbacks to audition for the Grinch. He didn't get that part, but is in two choruses and plays Vlad Vladichoff. Additionally he is Student Director. He called me from school the morning the parts were posted and was absolutely thrilled by the parts he got. And it wasn't just that he is one of the student directors, which he had been for a play in the fall. He was thrilled about the parts! I so admire him. It is amazing to me that he has the courage to audition and then is thrilled with whatever he gets.

I wish I was more like him. Instead, I feel like I am afraid to live my life. I think part of my problem is that I have this need to figure out exactly how I need to do something before I do it. Maybe if I could just figure out how to get started, I could find some of that joy I've been sent here to experience.

Super Tuesday

So I voted today. Although Bill Richardson dropped out of the race, he was still on the ballet. I voted for him on principle. I am confident he would have made a phenomenal president. When one of the news stations broadcasted the results, they listed all of the Dem candidates from the ballet except for Bill Richardson. I think I must have been the only one in the state who voted for him. I mean, Dennis Kucinich was even displayed. Of course when I would talk about Richardson often people who ask me who he is. It's a shame that he didn't get more attention.

Although having a black man and a woman in the race for president is an incredibly important precident, I am not convinced that either Obama or Clinton is best for the country. Of the two, I chose Clinton because she has the most experience and aside from her vote on the war, I find myself in agreement with many of her ideals.

Still, I wish the media would have given more attention to the other candidates. I know in other countries the media is required to give the same amount of airtime to all candidates. I wish it was more like that here. We are a politically lazy people (myself included). We seem largely to only pay attention to the information we are fed. If we need to be fed, atleast we should be given a well round diet of all the candidates.

Oh well. I guess I can hope that if Richardson is named VP as some pundits, he have an opportunity to be president in 8 years. I hope that whatever happens he put in an important position in the administration. He'd make a great secretary of state.

I might write him in in November. ;)

First Time Blogging

Just setting up today. I guess we'll soon see if I have anything worthwhile to say.